What to expect in the First Trimester.

Since I’ve just entered the second trimester of pregnancy, I thought I would share my experience thus far and what you can expect from the first trimester. It’s basically summarised in the picture above, which is:

Dry cream crackers. Half eaten.
Feeling simultaneously hot and cold (how is this possible?)
Comatose on the couch.
Bucket next to the couch, for when the inevitable “morning” sickness strikes.
Letting your tongue hang out your mouth, because you literally don’t have the energy to reign it in.
Dark rings of EXHAUSTION under your eyeballs.
Gagging with food aversions and the SMELL OF ALL THINGS.

Before pregnancy was on my radar, I was well familiar with “morning sickness” which frankly needs some rebranding, as quite honestly there is nothing ‘contained-to-morning’ about it. “Pregnancy-sickness” as it shall henceforth be dubbed, strikes literally at any time – In my experience it is generally anytime you get even REMOTELY hungry. Satiating the hunger of a pregnant woman is not a matter of “Great, I’ll get a snack in a second…” it is “GET ME FOOD IMMEDIATELY RIGHT NOW.”

So in this case, you had better make sure you have a giant bag of cream crackers stashed in your pocket – because trying to make your way to the kitchen is literally too long. Toast is also a viable option here, but be reminded that toast takes some preparation time and that is time you do not have.

If you do decide on the toast (brave call) you may need to eat the cream cracker while you wait for the toast. If you have reached the stage of needing to eat the cream cracker whilst waiting for the toast – you will probably be eating the cream cracker whilst slumped on the floor. You will very likely be using a kitchen cupboard to prop yourself up, as the sheer EFFORT of holding up your own body has just gotten too much. Your partner may come into the kitchen scanning at eye level for you, only to look down and realise that you are in fact, curled up in a ball propped up by the pot-drawer.

If you have a good-egg, they will just quietly make the toast for you. If you have bad-egg, FIRE THEM immediately. (Just kidding, that takes WAY too much effort in these conditions.)

In fact, EVERYTHING in the first trimester takes TOO. MUCH. EFFORT. (Why does no-one tell us this?!) Hence this is my public service announcement to you: BE WARNED. If you’ve reached the stage of leaning-against-the-pot-drawer, it is possible that you will be crawling to your bedroom. Yes you read that correctly. Well actually perhaps it’s less ‘crawling’ and more ‘encumbered dragging’. Have faith, you will get there.

If you do make it to the bedroom (stay strong, you will!) you will be faced with the very taxing decision of climbing onto the bed or just staying on the floor. You may debate this internally for a few seconds but I can assure you, it takes an EXORBITANT amount of effort to climb onto the bed. The floor is perfectly fine. Lie here. Rest your face in the carpet.

Some moments may pass and your partner may again come in to check on you (#goodegg). When they see you lying face down on the carpet, half a metre away from a cool and comfortable bed, they may ask you what you are doing. You can reply with “SURVIVING”. Because that is what you are doing. Focusing on one breath in and one breath out is literally all the energy you can muster. You’re doing well.

Not all days will be like this. Some days you may find it more useful to drag-crawl yourself directly to the toilet. I have found that if you draw your arms in a big hugging circle around the toilet bowl, you can in fact, hold yourself up in this position with very little effort. If you lay your cheek on the toilet seat it is actually like a free rest. You’re doing very well.

If you are in a toilet-hugging phase (they are frequent), you may find that you are making some involuntary guttural sounds – which you did not think you could make. This is preparation for birth. If you do actually throw up, it is likely to only be water and cream crackers. That is lucky. Replenish yourself.

Many things can send you into a ‘toilet-phase’.
Example:
* Opening the fridge and finding the smells so overwhelming – toilet phase.
* Seeing (or smelling) the delicious and elaborate meal that your partner has made for you. (Regardless of the fact that, as it happens you have requested this very meal yourself) – never the less – toilet phase.
* Looking at your phone for too long – toilet phase.
* Seeing a food you ate 3 weeks ago – toilet phase.
* Smelling a food you ate 3 weeks ago – toilet phase.
* Remembering a food you ate 3 weeks ago – toilet phase.
* Hanging around the toilet – toilet phase (a tricky cycle to break, that one).
* Actually typing this list is putting me back into a toilet phase, so I’m leaving this list for now. It is clearly non-exhaustive.

Point in case: you can slip back into a toilet phase at almost any stage of pregnancy. Just like “morning” sickness is not confined to the mornings, nausea is not confined to the first trimester – contrary to what you have been led to believe.

You may become very dormant in the first trimester waiting desperately for the elusive and very magical “pregnancy glow” that you’ve heard about to kick in. You may wonder if people have been lying to you about this “pregnancy glow” and several times you will tell your partner that you have, in truth, “lost your sparkle.” You will seriously wonder if you have lost your sparkle forever. This is a tough phase. Do not look at images of pregnant people holding their green smoothies and following their 4-times-a-week exercise plan. “No Marcy. Stop it. Put your vegetables away.”

One day, however, amidst your continuous and deflated woe over indefinitely ‘losing your sparkle’ your partner will see you make a (very weak) joke, or do a foot-shimmy instead of a drag-crawl. They will lovingly point this out to you – that guess what?! They see an inch of sparkle-dust coming back! Try to not get too excited about this, as over-excitement will entirely EXHAUST you and you will be back at square one massaging the toilet bowl with your face. However, there is hope.

HOPE.

The clouds are lifting and the sparkle dust is in the ether.
You are doing well.

And onward and upward to the second trimester you go!
I’ll see you there. Come find me.
xoxo