“Oh, right…” we’re having a baby.

Disclaimer: please note this is an authentic and very honest account of finding out about our unplanned pregnancy. If you are moving through baby loss, miscarriage or are sensitive to these issues, this may not be the post for you.)

I knew the minute it happened. 

(Erm, A random Tuesday, 31st March in the middle of Quarantine. A true moment of unstoppable passion as Warren had recently returned from a week-long skiing trip. I mean, I don’t usually write down the days we have sex, but something inside me was like, “yeah, you better make a note of this one.”)

In that moment of instant knowing, it was like something outside of myself, far away from my body, but still definitely me said, “Well, that has just changed your entire life.” The moment I came back into my body from that faraway place, I stared at Warren as we had some nervous laughter together and I said – “I feel like that has just changed our lives forever.”

I carried on with the week, all the while feeling like, yep something is very different. I joked with a friend in very casual conversation the next day that I am pregnant. And had already spent so much time and energy calculating potential due dates (and how those calculated due dates very much DID NOT fit with my current life plans) – so much so that I started saying some little prayers to ‘the baby’ and making a few deals with it – “please can you just give me 3 more months! It’ll be perfect in 3 months from now! Please I want you, this exact being, but just can I please have another 3 months.”) 

The next week on Thursday morning, Warren woke up to tell me he had had his first ever dream where he was a father. (I’ve had a few dreams over the past 2 years of being a mother – but it was a first for him!) He told me he had this really cute blue-eyed boy looking up at him. And, I had to chuckle to myself, because the night before I had gone to bed thinking “Hmm, I really do feel like this is a boy.” 

Interesting.

During the week, Warren had mentioned that maybe we should get a pregnancy test. I agreed, but also said that to be honest, I don’t think the test results would surprise me.

About 2 weeks later, Saturday 18th April, I was prepping for my yoga class in the morning and Warren went out to go get groceries (and a pregnancy test) – he arrived back right before I was setting up the zoom call to teach and showed me the test he had bought. “Oh Gosh! Should I do it now? I have to teach now! No, wait! I need to build up a bit of wee first! No, wait – I have to focus on my class! I can’t do this now! No but we have to know”

(Warren: Yeah, probably I should have waited until after you’d finished your class to show you that!)

Anyway, I finished my class and then had this bright blue pregnancy stick test with all it’s instructions staring at me from the kitchen counter.

Ché: Um. Let’s have breakfast first I think.
Warren: Yeah. *Nervous chuckle.* Good idea. 

We had our eggs on toast in the lounge, watching a show, which I can assure you I was not really focused on. So much so that I can’t even remember what show it was. 

Eventually Warren declared, “so do you think you are ready now?”

Me: Um. Well I don’t actually think I have enough wee in me!
Warren: I think you do.
Me: No I think I need some more water (Stalling).
Warren: Ok, but it said not to drink too much water as it may dilute the test.
Me: Ok, I will just have a little bit.

*both go into the kitchen to drink water*

Me: Ok. Let’s do a little bit of this puzzle. (Stalling).
Warren: Ok!* (Stalling). 

(*NOTE: We’ve been in quarantine for 5 weeks by this point, and I’ve been unsuccessfully encouraging Warren to do the puzzle with me for this entire time, but NOW strategically is the time he thinks is a good idea to do the puzzle.) 

Warren: This puzzle is really great.
Me: I know. It’s so great. We should do it for a long time. (Stalling)
Warren: Ok. Let’s do all of this puzzle. (Stalling)

Ché gets up off the chair, Ok, I’m ready to wee.

*walks to collect pregnancy test*
”No, no I’m not ready to wee. Let’s do some more puzzle.”

Warren: Ok. More puzzle. (Stalling). 
(You would think that with all our puzzling we would have completed it by now – but I can tell you that although we were “doing the puzzle”, we weren’t really “doing the puzzle” with focus of any kind.

Ché: Ok I’m really ready. Are you ready?

Warren: Yes, I think so. But wait, what should I do?! Should I just hangout here in the kitchen while you go to the bathroom? I don’t want to give you stage fright?! But what am I going to do?!

Ché: Oh. Ok… No, you’re gonna be the time guy! I need 5 seconds urine on this thing and then it takes 3 minutes for this stick to activate. 

Warren: Ok. Ok great – I can definitely do that. *Immediately gets out phone timer.* I can be the time guy.

Ché: Ok. Are you ready? 

Warren: Yes, time guy is ready. *Activates timer* GO!

Ché: Ok great – I think that is 5 seconds

Warren: Confirmed. Yes that is 5 seconds. 

Ché: Great – now I just put this lid back on, *places test on basin* and now we wait for 3 minutes.”

Warren 15 seconds later, walking over to the test

Some silent minutes pass.

We stayed like this several more silent minutes. (I did pull my pants back up in case you were wondering). Not saying a word. Processing the confirmation of what we already knew.

Warren: “Well, gosh. What do we do NOW?”
Ché: Well I don’t know? Go to the lounge?

So we went to the lounge for some more processing.

We had been speaking about starting a family for about 2 years, but there was always some retreat, some event, something that I wanted to do that just made the logistics of it all a bit of a no-go. So when I say it is a definitely wanted, but very much unplanned pregnancy – that is the truth of it! And when something so big like this is unplanned – there is a lot of processing that is required! 

The main processing for me was around the timing of it all. (I KNOW the timing is “never right”, but truly, by my calculations the due date is around December 20th and aside from me not wanting to have a ‘Christmas baby’ (“NO BODY WANTS TO SHARE THEIR BIRTHDAY WITH JESUS, WARREN!”), my only brother is getting married December 12th in South Africa.

Even before we “officially” found out about it all, I had been saying to Warren during the weeks prior to “the test” that it is absolutely not an option for me to miss my brothers wedding. It’s too big and too important for me to miss him getting married. I have to be there.

An international flight so close to a due date, is also definitely not permitted. 

So we spent most of Saturday After “the test” trying to figure out the logistics of it all. 

* What if I fly to South Africa early, stay there and have the baby at my parent’s home – which is right near a hospital? (Do I need to have continuity with midwives and medical staff?!) What about medical insurance if we don’t currently live in South Africa? How many months away from due date are you allowed to fly?
* What if I fly to South Africa really early, without Warren and then he flies when he time is close? What if he doesn’t make it in time?! (Not an option)
* What if the baby comes early and then we try and fly to my brothers wedding after anyway? How early is it safe to fly with a newborn?
* How do you organise paperwork and passports on all of this? How early can you travel with a new born? How long does it take for a newborn to get a passport?
* What if I just stay in London and miss my brothers wedding and all our family time in South Africa  (Not an option)
* What if quarantine is still on and South Africa have closed borders still anyway and we can’t fly at all? What if we can fly to South Africa but we have to self isolate in a strange facility with a newborn?
* What is my brother moves his wedding anyway on account of Corona?

It was a big day of mental processing of it all, and honestly trying to work out how I’m going to make my brothers wedding and safely give birth to a new human, whilst also having Warren at all times and not be out the UK for longer than 30 days (#britishpassport), was a bit exhausting. 

Saturday was a day where a lot of logistics overshadowed the excitement and joy we could have experienced. And, I have to be honest, I spent a large portion of the day browsing some “natural miscarriage” websites. (Yes, I had 7 cups of camomile tea and did inversions all of Saturday.) Not my proudest moment, but definitely truthful. “Please baby, can you just come back, exactly you – in just three months from now so that I can make my brothers wedding, please? I will love you SO much then!” I tried making a lot of deals.

Turns out babies are not good at making deals. And so far, this little one is here to stay. It’s determined AF and had enough of waiting around for mom-and-dad to be “ready”.

I think I only really allowed myself to get excited once we had told our parents – which was a few days later. Mainly because of this gigantic clash between Blakes wedding and the timing of this baby. I put off telling my brother for a few days as I was feeling so conflicted by everything and not sure how it would all work out. It was a really big relief then to hear how excited Blake and his fiancé Kelly were for us. And I think just taking things as they come, seeing what Corona brings, and letting go of everything really helped to get us so super excited about what is to come.

2020 was supposed to be my year of diving fully into retreats, trainings, courses and teaching. 2020 was supposed to be a lot of things for many people. I was reflecting on the goals and visions that I had for 2020 and decided to take out my vision board – I make one every year and this year I had put all the retreats courses and trainings I wanted to run and host. When I opened up this vision board I absolutely laughed out loud – as I had absolutely forgotten that I had put a tiny picture of a baby nursery on this vision board. It was such a casual afterthought, a representation of “making room” for a baby – that I had totally forgotten I had put it on. But there it was, RIGHT IN THE CENTRE. And guess what – Corona has literally blown off the entire top layer of my vision board anyway. All that is left is this tiny baby nursery. If anything, this year and the cancellation of literally everything has certainly and exactly made all the space needed for this baby.

If I reflect on this journey so far, I know without doubt that this is the way it had to happen for Warren and I. Without going through the clinical-like process of trying to time our sexual activity with “the right time of the month”, without being given an option to plan for the perfect time (hint: we’d be in our 80s still planning the perfect time), without thinking and agonising over it. So yes, we were absolutely blind-sided by it, but also incredibly blessed and very lucky. And we are very grateful for this little being whose decided to join us.

Already this pregnancy has taught me so much and brought so much to the surface – my absolute need to control the timing of this all “NO BABY – DO NOT COME ON CHRISTMAS” when really, I have NO control over any of it and I’ve truly had to let it all go. (Note: it’s probably coming on Christmas).
As one of the women in my intuition course said to me (after telling me a family would be coming very soon to me, and me vehemently declaring – “No – only NEXXXT year”), “Well it’s not up to you.”

It’s not up to you.

If anything this journey so far has really dropped me deep into a place of trust, trust in a bigger picture that is not up to me and trusting in the Divine Timing of it all.

I’m so excited to share this next phase of our lives with you, thank you for being here.

Xxx

Ps. This Kombucha and Colour podcast episode was recorded at 8 weeks pregnant if you want to listen!