Overcoming the fear: unpacking what’s going on inside your head

 

In the last week I shared a really vulnerable post about my experience of coming out of a destructive relationship.

So many incredible women have reached out to me via comments, direct messages on instagram, instagram comments and via messages to say that they have been through something similar.

And how for a long time, many of these women have felt fear about sharing their stories.

This is certainly something that I have found in writing and sharing that blog post – and, I think for me, there is definitely a little bit of fear still lingering in it all. But then I think to myself – “I’M A GROWN ASS LADY, WHAT THE F*CK AM I AFRAID OF?!”

Because I’m into this practice of yoga – which is really just a practice of uncovering more about yourself – I’m into diving INTO the things I’m feeling. It’s super counter-intuitive to move INTO or towards the fear, but it’s a really useful tool for self enquiry if you can just sit with what is coming up. So that is something that I’ve been doing over the last week and it’s helping me to unpack this fear a little bit more.

Sometimes FEAR is in the external – like wrapped up in a brown box labeled “kidnapper” but sometimes that fear is invisible because it’s all up in our head – and I think those are oftentimes the hardest ones to unpack because they don’t have a definite cause.

The reason why many of these fears don’t have a definite cause (and I explain it a little bit more in this post), is that because neuropeptides in our blood stream activate our cells to unlock certain patterns within our genetic coding to produce certain emotions within the cells: fear, happiness, joy, sadness etc. BUT, over time those cells replicate themselves – and if they are unlocked in the “fear-activation” state then they just replicate the fear cells – even if the activating thought/event/situation of the fear is long past. (This is why it’s SO vital to physically process emotions through the body – so that we work them out of the system bio-chemically {ie: Yoga}).

Long story short: is that if you don’t process what you need to physically (asana/physical movement) and simultaneously through the nervous system (breath) then you end up stuck in a fear-state-body that doesn’t really have an actual fear-based cause anymore. Eg: You’re still living in terrified-fear of the man in the alley-way, even though that was 7 years ago. The problem is that it becomes hard to distinguish this type of fear because (as our cells slowly replicate over time), that state of the body-mind just slowly becomes our new normal.

ENTER: MOVING INTO THE FEAR to UNPACK IT.

Sometimes you gotta go IN man.

So this is what I’ve been doing over this past while, unpacking exactly why I feel the fear I do and how I’m going INTO it.

The main thing that has made me feel so fearful of sharing this post, is the unnecessary drama that it could stir up.

I’m not here for the drama, I’m here to sort through my stuff.

Some interesting things that I’ve uncovered that have alerted me to how much fear is still connected with this for me:

I have three different places on Facebook – my Che Dyer Yoga Facebook Page, my indieBerries Facebook page and my personal account. Every post that I share, I put links in all three places.

Except for that post however, I did not to share it on my personal account. I don’t know if it was something that I consciously chose to do or not and a large part of me thinks that it’s because my personal page has a lot of friends who know the person that I dated. If I look at this at the surface level it’s that “I don’t really feel like him seeing/reading that post” if it’s shared (I’m not sure how much he is on social media in any case) and “I don’t really feel like engaging in the potential drama that that could drudge up”.

But If I go a level deeper in the exploring of this fear – I think what I am really afraid of, (and honestly I can right now in the comfort of my own beautiful study feel my heart rate increasing), is that this will suddenly flare up, he will say that everything I have said is a lie and that no-one will believe me.

And then – even further, it will make me feel like I can’t believe myself.

And that is a direct impact on self worth.

And THAT is why emotionally destructive relationships are so overwhelming and scary to be in.

When you can’t believe yourself.
When you feel invalidated in your experience.
When you once again feel small/ are made to feel like an idiot.

There were MANY times within that relationship that I completely lost the ability to believe myself and to believe IN myself. I remember numerous occasions feeling like I was the crazy person. Like it must be all me. Really. It must be.

At one point in the relationship, he told me that an ex-girlfriend of his had jumped out a moving vehicle to try and get away from him (Me: WTF?). I remember trying (secretly and very fucking nervously) numerous times to facebook-find this person so that I could connect with someone who clearly knew and so that I could validate that it wasn’t me being an absolute crazy person.  People seek external validation all the time, but seeking it because you aren’t even sure any more if you can trust yourself on who you know you are, is a new level.

What is scary is how long these patterns stay in the body and in the mind.

My first year of marriage to Warren, was still filled with those thought patternings and behaviours. I apologised for everything. EVERY. THING.
I forgot to hang the washing – “I’m sorry”
The dishes aren’t clean – “I’m sorry”
I didn’t know what to get for dinner – “I’m sorry”
I came home after 10pm – “I’m sorry”
I went out to meet friends – “I’m sorry”
I’m upset and I don’t know why – “I’m sorry”

In fact, in the first 4 months of marriage I thought that this was going to be the shortest non-hollywood marriage in history, as I kind of assumed Warren would divorce me on account of me being so apologetically painful. lol. (THAT IS WHAT A DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP WILL DO TO YOU). Luckily he could see the wood for the trees and, after every sentence quietly adding, “please don’t apologise” he stuck through it. (But man those were some dark days! Oh It was also London winter and I changed my contraceptive pill so it was a melting pot of the dark feels). If I think back now, actually one of the most common things that Warren used to say to me at that time was, “I believe in you”.

Which is probably exactly what I needed to hear, as I didn’t believe in myself.

So anyway, I’ve side tracked a little bit from the unpacking the fear portion of this post – but it just felt like that needed to come out.

And I guess at the deepest level fear is always related to our inability to see our own worth.

And sometimes it’s pretty damn useful to have these situations in life that give us the opportunity to rise up to ourselves.

And that’s where I am with that.

Thank you to all the women who have messaged or shared their stories with me. I hope you feel empowered and lighter because of it.

If you want to connect you can find me on instagram or if you want to come process some of the good stuff with me in person – take a look at my yoga + art journaling course.