How meditation changes your brain – Guide to start meditating at home.

I’ve told this funny story on a few different yoga retreats and yoga classes that I’ve taught, about a very real (and personal) example of how meditation changes your brain, your reactivity and response, the way you relate to yourself and in turn the way you relate to others. I think about this story often so thought I would share it here for all to see. At the end of this post is a free 5 day guided meditation series that you can sign up to – to get your meditation journey started!

HOW MEDITATION CHANGES YOUR BRAIN

So there we were, husband was in Clapham Junction and had messaged me to say, “Come here and let’s meet for dinner.”
Awesome! What a great idea – so off I went to Clapham Junction to meet him…

But, just to clarify, or to rather more accurately set the scene: I was arriving fresh from a power yoga class, and husband, well – he had been in Clapham Junction for the better part of 4 hours with his mates “watching the Springboks” (ie: drinking) clash with the English Roses in an almighty game of rugby –

 

We said our hellos and I did a quick little assessment of the scene.
Read: General drunken chaos.

Bearing in mind that literally every South African in London had decided that Clapham Junction was THE place to be that night, coupled with every Londoner deciding too that Clapham Junction was where it’s at, and compounded with the fact that 98% of the thousands of (VERY MERRY) people piling out of the pubs were hungry and quickly filling up the limited restaurants nearby –

Me, my-post-yoga-hunger-pangs and my slight panic at the restaurant situation, decided to make an executive decision to get this ball moving:

 

After a frantic scan at nearly EVERY restaurant starting to put up “FULL” signs on their doors, and my stomach really starting to get going, I wanted this process of trying to find a place to eat to be as efficient as possible –

(ie: just quickly pick any place you want, I don’t really care)

really this was starting to not look good

 

You’re the foodie. You know what you want, Just pick a place.

*more restaurants fill, panic*

I’d love to tell you that this conversation ended here, and we found a place right then and there, but the truth is, this conversation went round and round like this for the better part of 20 minutes –

Me: I think you should just choose, I am sure there is a place you have in mind that you want to try.
Him: No, (hic) I don’t. I want YOU to choose!
Me: Please, I know what happens in this situation, you’re the foodie, can you please just choose.
Him: lol, NO YOU! YOU must be the chooser!
Me: No, please can you just choose.
Him: PLEEEEAAAASE!! YOU CHOOSE. Please! I want YOU to choose! You must choose!
Me: We’ve been through this SO many times! Please, please can you choose, I’m really hungry and want to eat! Every restaurant is basically full –  I truly don’t care where we eat at this point in time, as long as we find ANY place that will fit us in!
Him: You choose then!

After approximately 18 minutes of the husband’s relentless insistence that *I* choose a place for us to eat (and my sober assessment of the situation where almost every restaurant is starting to close it’s doors), I reluctantly succumbed and turned to the first place that looked like it MAY have space for us –

The restaurant was already at capacity, BUT seeing we were freezing, cold and very hungry the kind waitress said she was going try and get some chairs from the back, shuffle some tables around and ask some other customers to move places to accommodate us.

RESULT!

I was delighted!!

Until I turned around and saw the Husband’s face –

*waitress inside is now frantically trying to move people around, usher us in and clean tables for us*

and then auto-pilot reaction took over –

$@£*% &*&£@^&*@!!!!!!!!!

I then spent the next 3 (seven) minutes telling the poor waitress who was busy rearranging the entire restaurant for us, that in fact we would not be eating with them whilst simultaneously lambasting husband with:

“YOU SEE!! I TOLD YOU SO!!” “WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU SPEND HALF AN HOUR INSISTING THAT *I* CHOOSE A RESTAURANT IF – WHEN I FINALLY DO CHOOSE ONE, THEN YOU TELL ME IT’S NOT THE ONE YOU WANT TO GO TO?!”

Husband immediately realised the incongruence in this little scenario and I could tell he was instantly feeling prettttty sheepish about it all.

In that instant, I was automatically elevated myself to the very grand and golden pedestal of “I told you so”

I was right.

You were wrong.

and meanwhile –

So there we were, me standing on the golden pedestal of I-TOLD-YOU-SO self-righteously inflating my ego with the sugary coolaid of  “I KNEW this would happen”
ME. I’m the RIGHT ONE. I TOLD YOU SO.

Husband, standing feeling increasingly sheepish.

Man, this was some exceptional ego juice right in the palm of my hand:
I could milk this shit for days.

DAYS I tell you people, DAYSSSS.

*I* knew it. *He* knew it.

DAYSSSSSS.

So I asked (for the hundredth time) where he wanted to go for dinner and he replied with “I don’t know, like some small, cool Italian place.”

Since every single restaurant in the local area was now full, I took out my phone and began googling.

I eventually found a place about a 17 minute walk from where we were and called ahead to try book a table. Thankfully, randomly, they had just had a cancelation – so off we walked.

(Side note: By “walking” I mean – me storming ahead-  which is how you walk when Your Ego is having THE. BEST. DAY. OF. IT’S. LIFE.)

We eventually arrived at the quaint little Italian place (admittedly it was a lot more cozy than where we were trying to get a table) and they sat us down in the busy restaurant.

At this point the energy between us was set in this (delicious for me) power play of me feeling grandly self righteous and him feeling awfully sheepish and apologetic.

The atmosphere was pretty gloomy – which is to be expected when there is a winner/loser scenario playing out. Like a big ol’ storm cloud hanging over the table.

(the cloud of gloom is very real people).

Dayssss.

I could milk this situation for dayssss.

And prior to having any kind of meditation or yoga practice, that is likely EXACTLY what I would have done.

Instead I went to the bathroom.

I took a few deep breaths and created some space between the situation and my reaction to the situation.
I made a conscious decision to let go of my Ego’s need to be right.

And make no mistake – this was NOT an easy thing to do – because every fibre of my Ego in it’s sundeck chair, was screaming at me telling me how “grand” this situation was and that I could hold onto it for DAYYS!!!
THIS IS THE GREATEST LEVERAGE YOU WILL EVER HAVE!!! FOR DAYSSSSS!!!!!
DAYSSSS!!!

But in moments in relationships when you have a choice – the choice is between strengthening your ego, or strengthening the relationship.
And those are the only two choices.

The choice to strengthen the relationship is often much harder as it requires vulnerability.
Vulnerability because who really are we when we let go of the concept of “I’m right”?
“I’m right” is an identity created by the Ego.

But we are not the “I’m right” we are the peace behind it.
And if we don’t have that peace within ourselves then it’s even more challenging to let go of the ego constructs – because what exists then?

I made the choice that when I crossed the threshold of that bathroom door, that I was going to completely let my ego go, I was going to be fully present – right here, right now in this gorgeous Italian restaurant with my husband and enjoy a delicious meal together.

As I sat back down at the table, the husband was already hanging his head – ready for the cloud-of-doom-evening that lay ahead of us.
I explained calmly and without the “I’m right” identity (vital) – exactly what about the situation had upset me, he nodded in agreement (expecting the next hour or  so of me my ego, letting him know exactly who was right)
and then

I LET MY EGO GO –
And started with –

Husband was admittedly shocked.

It was definitely a visible shock to him that suddenly the cloud of gloom (which the ego loves to fester in), was suddenly genuinely not there anymore.

And for me there is a very big difference between “pretending everything is fine” and truly letting it go.

In the moment of letting it go, I honestly felt a more powerful connection between us, rather than a more powerful connection between me and my pedestal.
And – to be honest – which is more important in the long game?

I’ve no doubt you could build your pedestal of self-righteousness with accumulated wins and “I’m rights” pretty freaken high, but it would be awfully darn lonely (and pretty gloomy) that high in the clouds.

How meditation changes your brain

I truly believe this to be one of the many defining moments of our relationship and I can genuinely say that having a meditation practice is the one thing that helps create that space between the situation and your response to it.

When we have control over our responses we act from a place that is calm and proactive rather than ego-driven and reactive. And yes, sometimes the pro-active response is one that requires confrontation (or anger!), but it is entered in a very conscious way, through choice. It makes a HUGE difference to the way you live your life and a HUGE difference to the interactions you have with people around you – particularly those closest to you.

We had the BEST dinner that night, we laughed, we joked, we ate pizzas and drank wine and connected on a level that we hadn’t yet before… it felt like a powerful moving forward of our relationship from a situation that would ordinarily have created a sense of tension and “stuckness” and I’m SO grateful to meditation for getting me/us there!
It’s a lifelong practice, and one that I have fully committed to because I truly know and have experienced the benefits in very practical terms and I genuinely want to share it with others! (You!)

If you feel like you need meditation in your life (you do), then you can pop your email in below to receive five days of 10 – 15 min guided meditations with four different techniques to get you started! Your husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/aunt/uncle/child/cat/punching bag will thank you for it.

Pop your email in below to get started on your meditation journey by learning 4 different techniques through these 5 audio guides.