How to keep the heart open

There we were sitting on the couch, watching one of our favourite shows, when the character on tv declares: “I knew the exact moment that I fell in love with you and knew we’d be together forever.”

Seeing all this abounding love on screen (and filled with a glass of red wine) I boldly turned to my husband and declared:

[it was that moment on Clapham Junction platform 12: he was standing in a ray of sunbeams (dramatic) on the station platform dressed in his white shirt and work suit, waiting to take me to the airport to fly back to South Korea, after I had visited him for a holiday “to see if we still maybe fancied each other” after 6 years apart, when suddenly it spontaneously dawned on me that yes, this indeed, was the person I somehow simply *knew* I was going to marry.]

So anyway, I boldly declared my statement of life-affirming recognition of LOVE and then asked:

Silence. 

Like. Actual. No response silence. 

And then I lost the plot.

The plot of the tv show that is, as I completely switched off to the entire external world as I silently made an entire new plot-line in my head:

No, he most definitely heard me.

I can guarantee on my life he heard me.

The way in which I move through my relationship these days is vastly different to the ways in which I used to be. 

In my opinion there are two ways of responding to the situation above: we can contract and close down, or we can expand. 

Contracting and closing down looks a little like this:

• gets up from couch silently (perhaps a death stare thrown in for good measure)
• Goes to kitchen silently 
• Packs dishwasher silently 
• Goes to bed silently 
• Withholds affection/love/attention 
• Withholds, withdraws and retreats, keeping feelings contracted inside. 
• This process of withdrawal, retreating and contracting may last for a few hours, a few weeks, or a few months/YEARS – (BUT if this is your pattern of behaviour, by the time you’re a month down the line and ready to take a more liberating and expansive approach, you will have no doubt picked up several other triggers that will keep you contracted in other ways.)

So, the other option is to follow an EXPANSIVE approach –

Expanding into the emotion looks a little like this:

• gets up from couch silently, perhaps.
• Goes to kitchen silently, maybe 
• Packs dishwasher silently, optional 
• Goes to bed silently, perhaps 
• Perhaps even begins to show small signs of withdrawal 
• but then AT SOME relatively-soon point, realises this process is unhelpful, non-productive and acutely harmful to you and your relationship and makes an effort to be BRAVE.
  

The more comfortable and familiar you are with choosing the expansive route – the more optional those first five steps become and the quicker you return back to an open and expansive heart.

Bravery in this case is feeling the heart open and expand. 

It is MUCH easier to shut down and close off. It is our way of protecting ourselves and our ego, but EXPANDING, although it is much more challenging, is WAY more rewarding and creates a much more whole-hearted way of living.

EXPANDING is about saying exactly what is on your heart even if it feels silly, stupid or dumb. EXPANDING is about staying with the uncomfortable feeling. EXPANDING is about bringing up and speaking about the thing that is easier not to speak about.

Like me saying, calmly and peacefully to my husband, “I feel like I am not being seen by you in this situation. I know it seems silly because deep down I know that you love me and think I am special, but my mind has a need for words of affirmation and in this situation it is not being met”

Let me tell you – it takes a TREMENDOUS amount of courage to say something like that. (I KNOW BECAUSE I DID IT)

But the leaps and bounds forward that this type of EXPANSIVE, heart opening response creates in your relationships, your work, your life and your entire world is absolutely incredible.

This season on Move Breathe Create we are working through tools, practices and processes that enable us to EXPAND in this way.

Come join us if you are interested in exploring the theme of EXPANSION – your body, mind and soul will thank you!

(PS. After our expansive and open-hearted discussion, The Warr stopped me randomly in the middle of the following day as we were waiting for a train to arrive and told me exactly the moment he knew it was the real thing. And I have to say, my heart melted just a little bit. <3 )