Alcohol – being sober curious: reflections on a Summer Holiday

I’m sitting down to write this post for the second time after my computer did something funky and I lost the entire hour longs worth of writing. So here we are: again. 

I’ve been sitting in a really interesting mix of feelings lately with regards to my relationship with alcohol.

I began this post writing, “Alcohol has always been a BIG part of my life…” and then I went ahead and deleted it, because Alcohol isn’t a BIG part of my life in that: I don’t feel dependent on it, I don’t need it, I have had periods where I’ve abstained from drinking for months on end (see here), I don’t have it every day, I don’t consider myself having a ‘problem’ with alcohol, I don’t feel I need it in social situations, it’s never stopped me from achieving success, it’s never stopped me from functioning/doing what I want to do (bar the occasional hangover of death) – so NO, actually alcohol isn’t a BIG part of my life…

But then I went ahead and thought a little deeper about how and when I have a drink – A weekend here and there – of course, wedding celebrations – obviously, the occasional Friday night dinner-prep wine drinking, celebration drinking (such as parties, anniversaries, reunions). Friends celebrations: bachelorettes, kitchen teas, birthdays, showers, braais/BBQs etc. Book club wine drinking, the odd summer-day drinking, music festival drinking – also outdoor event drinking, ‘cool-pub-find!’-drinking, fancy restaurant wine drinking, date night drinking, dinner with friends drinking, occasional cosy night in drinking and of course, holiday drinking (Gin and Tonics in the pool anyone?!). It makes me sound like an alcoholic when I write it out like that – and I’m not – it’s just ‘every day’ life situations. So NO – alcohol does not play a BIG part in my life – BUT it plays a small and subtle part in almost EVERY part of my life. And that I think is the very insidious nature of alcohol.

So if alcohol isn’t a BIG part or a problem in my life then what is causing my mixed feelings about it all?

The short answer is – alcohol makes me sad. (And for the record, chemically – it makes EVERYBODY sad. Feel free to research Dynorphin and Alcohol). I’m not talking full-blown depression, I’m talking just a general low-vibe kind of feeling in the days post drinking. And, the super scary thing is that if you are a regular drinker (ie: you drink at the events I’ve listed above) it is VERY likely that you do not experience those ‘low vibe feeling’ days post drinking as that constant low vibe state is what you consider to be your general (even happy!) normal. Chemically, you build up tolerance and over time, the low vibe state you feel after a few glasses becomes your new normal and then you plunge into a deeper low vibe state the next time without really thinking about it OR even FEELing it.

So if alcohol makes me sad and I don’t NEED it in my life – then “Why don’t you just give it up woman?!” I hear you ask.

Fair question.

And the answer is, that whilst the bigger part of me does not want or need alcohol, the smaller more seedy part of my still wants it because I ENJOY it –

I enjoy how I feel after a glass of wine, I enjoy the version of me with alcohol, and mostly I ENJOY the feeling of connection it brings me to the communities that I drink with – family, friends, husband. Of course, I know that there are way more ways to connect to these communities without alcohol (I’ve done it), but there is a shift in state that happens when you are the only one not drinking in one of those close communities – and sometimes it leaves me feeling ‘left out’ BECAUSE part of me still enjoys drinking and doesn’t want to give it up entirely.

So then the answer comes down to creating strong boundaries around the occasions and times when I choose to drink – “MODERATION” in a sense. Having boundaries around drinking is something that I’ve been really thinking about and wanting to implement – quite difficult when alcohol is the very thing that lowers your boundaries in the first place. 

When I shared my recent feelings around alcohol on instagram someone recommended This Naked Mind podcast – which I’ve been listening to and really enjoying. Her research on moderation is very interesting – in that it actually takes a LOT more energy/brain power/mental attention to moderate – due to all the decisions you need to constantly make – than it does to either not think about it at all (drink-what-the-hell-you-like) or not drink at all. This is something that I really felt so acutely on holiday in Croatia where I was constantly in a state of: “Do I feel like a drink right now? Do I need this drink right now? Do I want to drink out by the pool over lunch time or do I want to save my drinks for dinner this evening? Maybe I could do both? Maybe just drink whatever you like – you’re on holiday? I don’t want to feel shitty though, maybe I should cap it at two drinks per day? I don’t really want to drink though, but also I do! Everyone is having a drink and I’m not – but that’s ok because I don’t want it, but also I do want it! OMF pass me the Gin.” etc.

It sounds like a lot of mental chatter (it is) over a seemingly simple thing: just have the drink or don’t have the drink, woman! But there is a lot more to it than just the simple drink – which gets muddled in our heads as associated with alcohol because of the incredible infiltration of alcohol in all aspects of our society – it’s our sense of relaxation, our sense of group acceptance, our sense of belonging and inclusion within a community, and a lot of our social interactions and relationships. 

Whilst alcohol does momentarily give me a temporary-synthetic-high – (a high which I know from experience I can create without alcohol), for me, alcohol does something else to me in that it closes off a part of me – it makes me feel heavy/dense/disconnected and I experienced the two end points of these extremes in the weeks before going to Croatia.

Before heading out to Croatia I ran my second Move Breathe Create Retreat in South Africa – and it was an incredible experience. I hadn’t been drinking for almost a month and a half before that retreat (because I didn’t feel like it and had no real interest in it whatsoever) – (Yes, I went to a Florence and the Machine concert completely sober, Yes, I went out to dinner with my husband without ordering wine, Yes I said “no thanks” to FREE DRINKS on the airplane – all with ZERO effort). On the retreat women were welcome to bring wine along with them (if they wanted) and many of the ladies enjoyed a glass or two of wine on the first night – I chose not to drink because there is something in me that knows that the work that I am doing needs me not to have it. It really was a wonderful retreat and very powerful for many women and I left that retreat feeling open hearted, expanded, elated, fulfilled and completely genuinely high.

Over the week that followed, I decided to have a few drinks here and there with my family (read: reverting to old identity to connect with my parents). I then went to a friends wedding the following weekend and I decided that since I was already having the odd evening drink here and there AND it was one of my good friends weddings (CELEBRATE!) AND the excitement of it all AND seeing some of my old Rhodes University friends (read: old drinking identity) that I was just going to go ahead and drink at this wedding. And DRINK I certainly did.

I pretty much went from zero to hero. 

Let me just say that I am VERY grateful to have such loving friends who basically packed my bags, loaded me into a car, drove me to the airport, stocked me up with chewing gum, Coca-Cola and Nik-Naks (saved my life) and coerced me through the right airport gate in time to catch my flight on Sunday back to London (Jackal, Stu – I shall hereby name my firstborn after you). 

It really was an interesting experience of going from such an elevated non-substance induced pure HIGH post retreat to feeling absolutely horrific, keeling over a Slummies airport bathroom toilet (a true story) thinking “I don’t want to live this kind of life”. 

On the other hand – I’m sure that my Rock-n-Roller-knee-sliding-dance-moves and wedding-table-decor-wearing-extravaganza was totally worth it.

(Maybe).

The feeling of relatability also comes up for me. I don’t WANT to forever be the teetotaling-non-meat-eating-yoga-teacher. I don’t want to put limitations on myself! The teachers that I’m drawn to practice with are not the ones who have renounced all worldly stuff (ALCOHOL! SUGAR! TV! SHOPPING! COFFEE! SOCIAL MEDIA! SEX!) who are living organic pious lives (probably in a sensory-deprived mountain somewhere), but rather the ones I’m drawn to are the ones that have the same struggles and challenges with these things that I do. A human, having some human shit to deal with – ya know?

AND also – the more reading, feeling and thinking I do around alcohol the more I’m like, MAN – do I *really* need this shit in my body?

If you are looking to moderate your alcohol consumption – a really useful tool that I’ve been using from This Naked Mind is allowing yourself 45 minutes to settle into the ENVIRONMENT it is that you are in. Often our environment/social setting can be one of the catalysts for wanting/(needing?) a drink – so give yourself 45 minutes to BE in that environment without it and then decide if you would like a drink after that.

So that is where I am with this all right now. I don’t know what this looks like for me moving forward – whether it is simply to acknowledge that there will be seasons in my life where alcohol is present and seasons when it is less present and learning to be ok with both. Or if it is a move to cut it out entirely (for extended periods?) or if it is about moderation and setting boundaries (X units per week if I want) or simply a case of tuning in, being IN the environment and then following my heart.  

I’d really love to hear your thoughts, tips, feedback, insights and sharings on this!