Life update: “that one time I screwed up my visa…”

I’m currently sitting in the most beautiful co-working space in Durban next to one of my besties. We’ve had an amazing long walk on the Durban beach front this morning with some great soul chats, and a delicious breakfast at a local vegan cafe. We’re going to another yoga studio this evening (different from the one we went to last night) and we are planning on going to a music concert at a local theatre this evening. Life is good.

Although really at this point, it feels like my life is pretty much on hold. Suspended like some kind of live-wire act. (But less thrilling).

If you’ve been following along with my stories on instagram – you may or may not have seen that I’m in the middle of a self-inflicted visa crisis.

For a few months now I had the date ’28 September’ in my head as this important date that my UK spousal visa was due to expire. I knew I had to apply for a premium on the day service for my spousal visa renewal (so that I could retain my passport for our Bali yoga retreat on the 24th October) and I also knew I could only apply 28 days before the expiry date – so, on the 20th September when I went to book my on-the-day appointment, I pulled out my residence permit and saw that it expired on 18th September.

And I had now ‘overstayed’ my visa by 2 days. (fuck).

(28th – the day I had in my head all along, was the day The Warr was leaving for his fishing trip – so it was an important date after all, just not *that* important).

Those next 3 days were undoubtedly the most stressful days of my life that I’ve encountered so far. I had NO idea what the right course of action to take was and consulted three different immigration law firms – all of who gave me contradictory advice.

“You MUST leave the country in 28 days. You MUST leave the country in 14 days. You MUST stay in the country and apply by post”.

“The 4 years 11 months you’ve lived in the UK will definitely start again from scratch in counting towards your British passport (which I’m eligble for at 5 years). The 4 years 11 months you’ve lived in the UK will still count towards your British passport – but ONLY if you STAY in the country and apply now. The 4 years 11 months you’ve lived in the UK will still count towards your British passport but ONLY if you LEAVE the country right now.”

“IF you stay in the UK, you will definitely have to forfeit the Bali Retreat. If you go back to South Africa you HAVE to apply within 28 days to have any chance at retaining the 4 years 11 months you’ve already lived in the UK. If you apply within South Africa, it will take 3 months. If apply using the premium service it will take 3 – 5 days. No, it will take 15 working days. No it will take 28 working days. No, you can’t use the premium service if you’re an overstayer. No, a settlement visa takes 3 months.”

It was all VERY confusing and, if I’m honest, very fucken stressful.

I had about a week of very stressful pacing – actually Warren and I one night after he got back from work – decided to leave the house and go for a walk to try and process all the conflicting information -(which was obviously also super time-sensitive as the ’14 day grace period’ was quickly drawing to a close). We decided to just walk until we came to a decision about what to do – I think we walked for close on two hours (much to the horror of Warren who was starving).

In the end, we decided that the “safest” thing for me to do was to leave the UK voluntarily and re-apply for a new spousal visa using the priority service from South Africa. (At this point, I still honestly don’t know if it was the right decision for me to have made – but ain’t nothing I can do about it now – as I’m currently sitting in Durban. Lol.)

I booked a last minute, flexible date change (read: expensive) flight back out to South Africa for the 29th September and then tried frantically to get cover for my yoga classes, pause my online stores, let my private clients know, stop my venue hire locations, tell my yoga students, cancel my online booking sites, inform the other retailers I sell products through, all the while trying to fill in about 100 pages of new application forms, gather important documents from Warren (my visa sponsor) like naturalisation forms, certified passports, certified bank statements, mortage agreements, payslips, proof of our relationship (ie: all those wedding photos we don’t have) at the same time that Warren is trying to a) finish his own work b) pack for his fishing trip and c) get a fourth immigration lawyer opinion.

At one point I was in a panic (whilst simultaneously packing my bags, closing classes and filling in forms) on the phone to Warren asking for a document of his to clarify his British naturalisation date – when he had already left the office to go to the airport for his fishing trip and had to get his co-worker to log onto his work computer and try and find this document on his computer to email to me before he boarded a flight and got out of comms. I cried every day for about a week that week, and then some.

Quite honestly, if our relationship can survive this visa crisis, we can survive literally anything.

(part of a note I left on Warren’s pillow – for him to come home to after his fishing trip)

The day I got back to South Africa I gathered my visa documents/forms/passports and went the very next day to apply at the UK visa application centre in Durban. I paid extra to have the priority service which according to the official outside the visa centre takes 3 – 5 working days, according to the guy behind the counter takes 15 working days, according to the woman sitting next to him 28 working days, and according to some instagram followers takes 90 days. (I know).

I’ve literally done everything in my power to correct my mistake as quickly and efficiently as I believe to be possible. It’s cost me a way more expensive spousal visa renewal (like £1600+) , an emergency last mintue plane flight, a £500+ priority service, a walk-in appointment fee, a £300 lawyers consultation, a doctors appointment, a loss of earnings whilst I’m away, and total overwhelming stress – not only for me, but for the knock-on effect this has had on the people I work and collaborate with.

As of right now, I’m sitting in South Africa, with my passport submitted to the UK high commission with a big “decision pending” against my application. My flights for our Bali yoga retreat were leaving on the 24th October from London and as of right now I a) cannot get back into London to catch them without a visa and b) in any case I can’t catch them without my passport in my hand.

With the total and complete uncertainty about not knowing how long my passport will take to process or when I will actually receive it back, Anna – who has been such an incredible business partner, support system and most importantly friend in this whole ordeal decided to enquire about a back up yoga teacher for the retreat. I was secretly hoping (quietly praying to the visa gods – that my passport arrives back on the 18th October – which would be 15 working days after my priority application – which seemed to be the average of all the times I’ve been given), but unfortunately the back up yoga teacher was not able to wait until the 18th so the decision was made to have her lead the retreat so that at least there is a teacher guaranteed to be there.

Apart from being devastated about not leading the Bali retreat and the week trip after that Anna and I had planned together, I’m absolutely heartbroken with feeling how I’ve let down so many people – some of whom are traveling from across the globe to practice with me.

I’ve often thought HOW CRAZY it is that my life has literally been turned upside and how this has affected so many other people along the chain – my private clients, my students, the yoga studios I teach at and the teachers who’ve had to find cover for my classes (Tish – thank you!), Anna and all the women who’ve booked to come on the retreat, my parents (who canceled a trip to Cape Town so that we could be home to deal with all this) and Warren who is now sitting in the UK without his BELOVED wife, all due to a PIECE OF PAPER and a stamp that says ’18’ and not ’28’.

Throughout this ordeal I’ve noticed how my natural tendencies have quickly risen to the surface. Although when I was in the thick of it all, in the week that I discovered I’d made the freaken error-of-the-century, I was absolutely very stressed and highly emotional (ie: I walked into a doctors appointment and sporadically burst into wailing-tears before she’d even really had a chance to close the door), I reflect back on it all and I think there was definitely an underlying sense of calm through it all – which I don’t think would have been present if it wasn’t for yoga. Really, it’s for circumstances like this that we practice yoga isn’t it?

It also definitely helped to have a very calm husband- so if you’re not into yoga (!!) – make sure you get yourself one of those.

So here I am in South Africa – and for the most part it’s been a really wonderful time. Completely co-incidentally the week I flew home happened to be the week my mom was on holiday from school. It was also co-incidentally a time when one of my new-baby-mamma friends was visiting from Joburg – (so it was SO lovely to see her and meet her new human!), another of my very good friends from junior school was co-incidentally visiting her brother for his birthday – so it was fabulous for my mom and I to catch up with her and her family. A friend and her husband happened to be in the area too supporting her sister through a tough time, so I got to unexpectedly see her as she lives 5 hours away. I’ve been down to Durban to stay with one of my besties, I’ve been out to cool coffee shops, walked on the beach, my mom and dad have taken me shopping, we’ve had lunch out with my brother and his girlfriend. I’ve visited the Shongweni market, my folks and I have had some great chats and watched movies at home. I’ve randomly bumped into a Durban yogi who is on my members site (Hi Jodie if you’re reading this!). The family have all been round for dinner. I’ve met up for runs with old school friends. It’s actually been a really wonderful unexpected time together, considering.

So the interesting thing in this is that I’ve not wanted to “enjoy” myself too much. I have this overwhelming sense of guilt around enjoying myself in the moment here right now – when essentially – my actions have put so many other people “out” and let some people down. I don’t feel deserving of having a ‘good time’ because my actions have consequentially potentially dis-pleased people.

I don’t believe that anyone is truly angry or upset with me – but maybe there are people who have been not-‘pleased’ with the outcome of this current situation and when there is a bit of your self worth unconsciously tied up in making people-pleased, the easiest way to re-establish this “worth” is by re-aligning yourself to the level of ‘pleased’ that you expect all these people to be feeling.

So in other words – you make sure that you are just as ‘not-pleased’ as you expect they are – and you make sure to not enjoy yourself too much. And if you ARE having a good time, you make VERY sure to not share it on social media because – what will those people think?!

It’s made me reflect a lot on the feeling of deserving and how closely this is connected to our sense of self worth. We are ALL deserving – in spite of the things we do or the things we don’t do, the marks we achieve, the things we don’t achieve, the passports we have or the visas that we totally fuck-up. We are all deserving, in spite of it all.

This situation has been a huge learning for me – and at the very beginning of this learning, it has brought this to the surface. It’s been both my challenge and my learning to cultivate a deeper sense of self worth that is separate from the people I’ve pleased or not pleased, the feeling of letting people down, the stress and admin I’ve caused others, the feeling of embarrassment and shame I get when I tell people I got my dates mixed up/left it to the last minute/potentially blown the chance at a British passport and all the money I’ve wasted in this process.

Like, literally ALL the fundamental elements that could shake your self worth – all rolled into one big mud-pie of “learning and growth”-  (#thanks).

I’ll definitely be writing another post soon about the other things I’ve learnt in this journey so far. It’s been a huge lesson in taking ownership of my life, of learnings in money, of truly having to let things go, in relationships and friendships, in finding hidden blessings and listening to your heart…

But for now, I’m going to head out to a yoga class – and I’m going to enjoy myself.